To be Tenacious

To be Tenacious

It is never going to be easy to explore such writing in my life. I am sure this would not just test the reader’s emotional range wide band of emotional radiation, it may also helps you obtain better understanding about the thoughts and dreams that could alter your reality. This write up speaks about the summary of a wonderful father, sensible guiding soul, optimistic butterfly which always takes its kit and kin towards betterment who reached eternality. There is no fiction involved to make the reader indulge in the collection of events. This write up is more about how I figured out my thoughts and father’s vision crafted his last days and why he should die so early.

First Scenario

To begin with minutes of thought, we are ought to move few years backwards. During the cloud gathering season in Hyderabad, I was sunny and I was going out for medical entrance training in aakash institute, himayath nagar, near kfc restaurant. I was attending the classes half minded, unable to cope up with the syllabus, as I was from a matriculation backdrop. I seemed to be a drawback for me. I was unaware that I am struggling each and every day, which lead towards high parameters of depression.  To drag the selfhood from the premises of depression, I chose to watch reality comedy shows late night. I was laughing my ass out watching vijay television anchor sivakarthikeyan’s(now mainstream cinema actor) counter comedies.

There was a huge establishment of the show neengalum vellalam oru kodi (nvok). It was an official adaptation of international game show ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?‘ season one was hosted by actor Suriya. As it was telecasted in Vijay television, they had a special episode for their television anchors, in which Sivakarthikeyan was also played his part. While the game show was progressing, Suriya sir asked about Sivakarthikeyan’s father who passed away when he was small. Though Sivakarthikeyan projected his as a happy go lucky person, he was all of a sudden emotionally broken and cried in the show. He was quoting that his father would have not even been aware of his mimicry and entertaining talent in him, to show his appreciations for his son. Those emotions did affect my consciousness. I believe that I had some different talent in me to be explored and showcased amongst the other people and family. But, I was helpless and herding with the popular notion of choosing the carrier. From the crux of his cry, I gulped a thought with welled up eyes that even my father would pass away from me not being aware of my special capabilities. On a long run, today I recognize those moments of thought which turned out to be half baked truth in my life.

Second Scenario

For this scenario, we would step into the month of July, 2017. I was in the last year of pursuing my bachelor’s in physics, electronics, maths(triple major) in St. Joseph’s College, Bengaluru. Until second year, I and cluster of buddies were staying in a paying guest for three sharing and two sharing which was about 600 meters away from college. By the beginning of the third year college, we have decided to elope out of the pg without paying the rent. Of course it may seem bad for the people reading up, but believe me, it’s just sweet revenge from our side, as we had very hard time pushing the pg food into our food pipes and unpleasant cold water which receive us during the morning time of winter months for two year. My parents were also okay with the idea of changing the pg. we have been searching for a room. We bumped into a room which was about a kilometer radius from college. We had packed our baggage and dispatched them to the room. Even before the pg owner could sniff out. Everything was done perfectly and moved away, without any hint of trace. And at the same time, pg had fixed camera but he didn’t tried to find us. 

After those hurry burry thrilling moments, I called up my parents and informed them about the change of premises. Actually they were averted by my decision without prior information. But, they didn’t show up. The room was actually located in the border of Wilson garden and akkithimana halli. Adjacent to the building were we stayed, there were two graveyards. The smaller One belongs to muslims and the other one is for hindu and Christian. It was named st.patricks catholic cemetery. They used have graveyard festival in remembrance of people who passed away, as similar as the day of the death organized with public holiday in Mexico. Once I have made a visit with my friend Dinesh. I have witnessed people cleaning up their beloved ones grave and bringing the most liking foods of them to the graveyard.

We got settled down there with no foraging for a proper outlet for food. So, we were dependent on the pg food. We were struggling for some time to find a good quality food providing channels. At last, we had reached a shop run by Tamil people providing food. We were stuffed to Tamil people’s hotel as the quality of food was tolerable. We bought mineral water from the government distillery plant for 5 rupees. Some days we tend to forget that mineral water was no more left for consumption. We had boiled tap water and drank for temporary need. Days passed. I and my father were on a trip to Germany. My sister was working and writing her doctorate of philosophy thesis in aerospace. I and my father boarded mother to Germany few months ago, so that she could take care of sister for some time. One amongst the advantage of studying in Christian college is 10 days leave for Christmas. During that span of time, I and my father boarded flight to Germany. We have toured to countries like Paris, Switzerland, Italy (without my sister). During the stay, we weren’t drinking bottled water all the time. Especially, in the hotels and the rooms where we stayed, we drank up the tap water. From Italy we boarded flight to India. Even before the amusement about my first foreign trip started to fall behind, I started attending to the usual lectures.

Though I had a nice rapport with my roommates since my stay in PG, I was facing some serious issues. Everything began from the dusty inappropriate flooring. There was big lot of open space left over as we are staying in the top floor.  We walk up barefoot outside the room which leads to the mud gets gummed to our foot. As we get into the room without cleansing, the mud goes on carried to the bed, kitchen and toilet; which seems to be wafted by our own filth.

I had a bicycle to ride from the room to college through akkiththimana halli. The path which I used ride was sloppy made and were of seriously bad condition. One odd day, I was cycling back from college to room. Third steps prior reaching the room, I experienced a sense of numbness in my right leg knee. It started to swell in few hours. The twinge on my knee was unendurable. I was asking my friends to take me to a hospital for checkup. They got me to Sanjay Gandhi institute of trauma and orthopedics. I was asked to take X-ray scan to have an idea whether any fracture has occurred. For Heaven sake, there were no traces of fracture.  I was asking about the reason behind this sudden swelling. Doctor exposed only two reasons for swelling. Either I should have dashed my knee against any hard surface or I should have fell down facing my knee as a primary injuring spot. I was jocularly replied that none of these has ever occurred. I cross questioned him that I was practicing yoga which was taught two years ago in Maharashtra. If I have got wrong yoga posture, is there any chance of knee to tumefy. Doctor opposed it strongly. They prescribed me a pad which covers knee to elbow altogether and a bandage to wrap around the knee. They asked me not to have any knee movements. They gave me pain suppressing tablets and antibiotics to reduce the swelling.  Seriously, I had hard time while sleeping and using the toilet. Especially, it was a great deal to use Indian style toilets when your knee is tightened with bandage. Though we were living between such uncomfortable situations, we had some quality time and entertainment while having common friends gathered for night stay, group study etc. My friends were upset with me in some aspects, as didn’t get along with them. There was a cold war waging amidst us.

During such dilemma, my mother made a visit to bengaluru to take care of my health and to notice if everything is fine. She was perturbed by complete unexpected mess occurred. She was in tears looking at my condition, as we reached the room. Surya picked her baggage to board auto for a hotel stay nearby. I asked him to leave the baggage down stairs. He was ready to come along with us for dropping. But, I rudely neglected his offer which made my mother feel awful for him. We reached the hotel. She expressed her unwillingness on how I spoke to surya. She asked me not to talk in such a rude manner. She was interested in helping me by taking to my friends. But, I denied.

Problem with my friends was lack of understanding. I am a teetotaler and from some better financial background which made me think twice before indulging in some activities. They always preferred street food. I prefer it once in a while. They are average alcoholics, I have tasted whine only which was also bitter tasting. Because of such environment, many uncomfortable questions arose. We started confronting each other. Though we are in same room, we had hardly spoken 20 or 30 sentences max per day. Mind screwing silence was taunting me like mosquitoes whining in our ears when you attend to deep sleep. I started to talk and spare time with other friends for hours made my friends feel infuriated. As a result, one fine day, we spilled the beans and had a heated argument, we spoke about the disappointments, frustration, anger, exploitation we had commit for each other. Then, it got sorted out.

My father just came to know about the state of affairs I am forced to indulge during the stay. I was there in Chennai for some matter. My parents bought appointment from an orthopedician, sri hospital private limited and eye checkup in agarwal hospital. During eye checkup, he spoke to about the disputes. He wanted me to move out of the room and find a separate room, so that my mother can come to bengaluru to support me. I didn’t utter a word against his opinion. He rarely asks me to do certain things. I had deep and commanding respect for my father which mostly made me to follow his words. Because, he neither unnecessarily advices nor overrules me. As he asked me to cling to his words, I felt extremely bad. I had faced a lot of pressure and provocation during the stay. Yet, I never thought of moving out. I was looking out for room with Surya. I felt emotionally down for some time. My father gives a call every morning and talks to me. He understood emotionally anemic condition and told me a very important message which scarred me for life.

‘Why do you want to be low?  I know what’s happening in you. I would not ask you to move out  of the room. So, you don’t have to talk to me like an emotionally tarnished person looking out for counseling. No one knows what’s going to happen next.     We have to live as happy as possible. One of my customer, who is a hail and healthy person free from blood pressure, sugar or any kind of medical condition. He passed away few days ago. I was talking to him before died. He was looking good and healthy. He suddenly passed away due to cardiac arrest. No one knows what’s going to happen next. I may also get succumbed to such condition’ briefed my father.

He never spoke to me in such fashion. It just span emotionally drifting heart for a mad run and shattered it into billions of nanoscopic scrap. It was bombshell for me. I was unable to find inner balance. As sign of it, my eyes welled up like a sea unleashing arrogant waves. I reflected a depth cry which was a seeming end product of the poignant reminder. My father apprehended that his interpretation of future was emotionally tormenting mawkish. He assuaged my anxiety and requested to be as attentive as possible while attending me. And then, he hung up the phone. I was unable to control my wiping even after the call was cut. 

Even before my father establishing his premonitions, few months ago I had encountered a bizarre dream. In the dream I, my sister and my mother were in a room. Landline phone was ringing, which seemed unauthentic for me, as we had no landline phone for the past fifteen years ago. My mother picked the call and answered. She had mind distorting expression on her small face. It turned us melancholic in fraction of seconds. I and my sister were not able to control our nerves even before hanging up the call. We started bugging her to know what was happening. She replied in a shrink voice that our father has passed away due to janni(it is a Tamil word which refers to reduce in body temperature which may lead to fits). I was very curious to inform my parents about this dream.

I called up my father. He picked up the call and always uttered those sweet words, ‘Good morning my son’

‘Good morning paa. I had a vision yesterday about your death. You would died of janni ’

Without any sense of emotion and hesitation he said, ‘is it so son? I will give the phone to your mother. Inform her’

I briefed the scenario to my mother and she gave a surprising answer,’ that’s good. Mostly if you get a bad dream, you would be receiving good things in your life’

I believed in her comprehension, but later I came to know that I was bluffing myself.

 Third Scenario

It was during the summer season 2018. As I winded up my bsc degree, I came to Chennai to do a course on python computer programming. I enrolled in Apollo institute, T Nagar. I used to reach my computer class through the famous usman road. It was always used to jam packed. A famous analogy to describe usman road is that if you reach after the shops are opens, you don’t have to walk people will carry like garbage and dump at the end of the road. I such a crowd pulling place filled up with clothing stores and small fast food outlets. I found a temple, which was quite a surprise for me. There was a miniature subway entrance kind of a pathway were I was invited by the workman from neighboring shops to instigate a purchase for evening outfits for women. Passing them, I reached the temple’s front door by climbing 4 steps. I was asked wash my legs before stepping into the temple. It was siddhar(saint) temple. It was neatly maintained and properly furnished. It had two floors. Not even one percent of crowd chatter reflected inside the temple. I was able to observe humongous amount of silence and peace.  At the ground floor, I witnessed a box with some opening for dropping some papers inside. There was a stand fixed above the glass box. It had sheets that are unfilled. I asked about the sheet and what is the matter with that glass box. They explained that if you are in need of anything to happen in your life. Leave your prayers and worries to that siddhar and write it down the paper and leave it in the box. He will make sure to settle your needs. It enlightened my curiosity. I wrote about everything I am in need off. Most interestingly While writing about my father, I wished him good health. I wrote it up and dropped in the box.

My father was already lacking sound sleep for the last two days. He was there with us in Chennai for a marriage. He was not given much of holiday. So, he was rushing before us to reach rajamandri, Andhra Pradesh where he was working as a manager in city union bank. The sad part was he got promoted as a chief manager a month ago.  It was august 18 2018. He woke up late and took head bath. He was not able to as active as he used to be. Few of his office staffs were there to make a visit. His stomach was upset. They bought some home cooked food it seems. As they were present there, he suddenly lost his grip and fell off. There was no kind of injury. But, taking head bath in cold water lead to reduce in body temperature resulted in giddiness.

My father is a strong person by head and body. But, when he is diseased, he wants to be pampered like a baby. So, he calls each and everyone around him to pamper which always seemed funny and childish. It’s just a normal stomach upset. My mother received a phone call from him that he was hospitalized for stomach upset. She passed the news to me. Initially, there was a shock in me. Sooner I understood this is just a normal drama which he used to do while get diseased. So, I and my mother had laughs in our faces. Initially, it was only me who was booked a ticket to Andhra Pradesh. I was asking my mother to leave Chennai. I was in idea of coming to rajamandri later. She asked me to leave first as she was bind with some work. She made a call and informed the situation of sending me prior and she would be reaching later.

Then, my father replied,’ stop the child’s play. I need both of them to be here’

But, there was only one ticket booked in the name of suseender. We were in need of one more ticket. We got hold of a customer who used to book ticket for appa most of the time as he had some brokers to do the inside job. We asked him procure ticket for mother. Getting ticket during the weekends is never an easy job. But, we luckily got a ticket from the same bus transports in which I had bought the tickets. We are supposed to board the bus next the Chennai ripon building. Though we reached on time, the bus was late by an hour. It was a sleeper coach. We started our journey to rajamandrii without even being aware of what’s going to come next.

It was about 11 o’clock. My mother shook me to consciousness with shivering voice, weeping tone and said, ’susee wake up! Wake up! There was a call from hospital. Your father is in serious condition’. Primarily I was befuddled by the news. My father was robust guy. What going to take him to serious condition?

My adrenaline started to bump heavily, heart was rising. I was controlling my thoughts and trying to only concentrate on his comeback. My mother was unable to bear it. Parallel, we received a phone call from my aunty that she received the message. They informed them prior that he is no more. He had a massive cardiac arrest. It was my sister and revathi aunty who were the last people to talk to appa. Assistant manager was the person who was there with my father during the last few moments informed the news. But, he was not ready to reveal it to us. He thought that we would panic to great extent which might get the situation worse. So, he just informed us that he was serious. We called him back and pleaded him to speak the truth what has happened to my father! He spoke up that my father passed away by 10 o’clock. It was his first cardiac arrest which is always massive. There is no comeback for him. My mother asked him to keep him in ice box and make sure the appa’s body not to get decomposed. We also asked him to give some drugs which would help out on a longer run. She started lose her mind. She went on to knock the door and ask for help from the conductor. That was really the worst site that I would never want my mother to go through anymore in life. People next our seats also woke up. As I and my mother was walking around asking peoples to arrange car for transportation to reach earlier.

The transport people were a bit hesitant as they were not sure about the availability to arrange us a car. We shifted our luggage and left to the apex hospital in rajamandrii where he passed away. As we reached the hospital, we met the assistant manager and what did happen and where is my father? He said that his body was placed in ice box at the underground. I wish it was a dream so that I could wake up to find everything all right. But, unavoidable pain from the mind and gut itching sensation landed my observations are to be real, not a dream. We rushed to the hospital underground parking. But, it was locked. I was completely blanked out. I have never ever imagined of situation would occur in our life. Now, I am just sitting aside think about the situation of a son who was waiting outside a room which was locked, to be opened to have a glance of his father who is not alive, but dead. Apart from the psychological shock, I was drowning in worries looking at my mother. I comprehended that I would be great deal to control her. All the staffs were present on the day even before we reached the hospital. There were some customers who were also waiting outside the underground parking. The guard came back after sometime. He opened the door to take a look at my father in ice box.

Now, that was an impossible situation for anyone to go through. Literally, my mother lost her mind. She started to bang the ice box mildly and screamed, ’what has happened to you? What have you done? Why are you laying down here? We are here for you. Get up man!’Those words pained as if thousands of knives piercing the body at one time. My eyes were submerging in a watery grave. I was gobbling the thought that he is sleeping inside the ice box. I was grabbing her back out of the door, with both hands, as she was trying reach again. I was finding uncontrollable to bring my mother back from hitting the box and crying. I was forced to yell at her, to console not to lose her peace of mind. If my sister was also there, it would have been even more difficult to handle the situation. That would the most difficult phase for anyone!

Death is inevitable. We never express our gratitude to life where it promises and confidently make us believe that there is always tomorrow to think about solutions and remedies, to be happy, to be worried, to maintain the frenzy and stay blessed. But, those tomorrows won’t accompany us forever. We are not the deciding authority either. We could never make people to stay forever whether he is of man of virtue or an immoral ruler, great health or capitulated by deadly disease, teetotaler or drunkard, lazy young or perky old. It’s just a part of cycle of creation. But, I was having lots question left in my mind unanswered.  Months after father’s death, I was sitting alone striving to conquer the answers for those unanswered questions which had been munching my mind.

My whole family was intensely curious to know about his sudden death just to make sure whether he is okay with what has happened. We had taken his birth chart to astrologer to know about the timings on 14th day ceremony. After the meet, my sister was looking front and back at the chart. She saw something unbelievably storming. At last few pages, they have mentioned the death date of my father. We were holding the chart for our lifetime. But, we had never thought of looking back at those pages. But the point is, my father died one month three days before the death date. That gave me seriously hard blow.

I started to breakdown the event that has happened before his death. For instance, the temple scenario, I wrote about his health. I wrote that I wish him good health. That’s where I got slipped. According to my wish, he was fit and healthy until his death. There was no major regular medical treatment or medicine intake till the last day. The people who came to know about our father’s death were in utmost worries and fear, because he was a strong person faced death at quiet a young age. What would happen to people with blood pressure and sugar? So, as per my request he was healthy. I should have asked for long life on behalf of my father. That’s when I effectively grasped words really makes a big deal.

The death happened as a combination of scenes I and my father has already foretold through dreams and circumstances. As according to my dream, everything began with cold water head bath which made him to lose his body temperature which resulted in fatigue, giddiness. As a result of it, he was undergoing stomach upset and then got hospitalized. Now it’s my father’s vision about death get into reality. According to doctor’s opinion, he was found with lot gas formation occurring above his pelvic region. Consequently, it provoked to continuous burping at a recurrent basis. This excessive gas formation chronically reached the upper thorax region and which might have created a pressure in cardio vascular tissues and ultimately death. The doctor’s have fetched his ECG, ECO CARDIOGRAM AND BLOOD TEST. There was no reflection of stumbling block.  My father visualization effectively matches these conditions. He visualized, ‘One of my customers who was hail and healthy. Free from blood pressure, sugar or any kind of medical state. He was looking good and healthy. He suddenly passed away due to cardiac arrest. No one knows what’s going to happen next. I may also get yielded to such condition’ 

Inexorable situation are nasty surprise. It took some time for me to understand his death. I still strongly believe he was the only person who invested trust upon me and said that life turns you down some times. Kick you hard to defeat. But remember, I am there for you. We will do something for bread and butter. Don’t be harsh on yourself. We will do something for survival. Stay out of worries’ I have valued him like no one can imagine. I am not sure whether he knows it. Hope he is watching me respecting and abiding his sacrifices, views, lessons, wisdom, knowledge, love for family and to be a good human. I am your man appa. There are no perfect fathers, but they love their children perfectly.  I love my father. Thank you for everything you have done to us appa. Dad I hereby promise you that I will be happy and make you filled with overwhelmed with joy and satisfaction. Rest in peace, warrior!  Wait….wait….There is a question left unanswered. But, why his death should happen at this age? To be frank, I figured out the answers myself. But, I leave it to the readers on a note of inexplicability. 


Thank you for the patience

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One Comment

  1. This really resonated with me, and I’m sure it will with many others who have experienced the loss of a loved one. Your vulnerability and honesty in discussing your grief and the lessons you learned is a powerful reminder of the importance of cherishing the time we have with those we love.

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