A Peculiar Persona

Hey there. It’s me. I don’t really know who I’m writing this note to, but one thing I’m sure of is that I’m speaking the truth. I’m out with a few of my batch mates on a trip to a nearby hill station. The place is fine. I even visited some tourist attractions here. They weren’t that great. Just OK. We can compare this place to Mussorie, even less. Nevertheless, I’m here. Was in dire need of a break and so I came. I know my parents don’t restrict me from such visits with friends to various places but the thing is I don’t really have friends with whom I can speak my heart out. Being in a professional college with quite professional people, is a major drawback for such things.

Now, coming to the main thing. I feel like crying right now. I’m sad, really sad. I’m fed up of all the things that have been happening to me since the day I came to this college. I was bad at social relations & thought that I’ll be better at them when I’ll be in college. But it seems it didn’t turn out that way. Things in such social relation cases rarely go as planned by me. Although I rule out all the possibilities that may happen in a certain situation and try to cover all the weak ends. But still, when I’m really facing the situation I’m different. It’s harder to react. It’s harder, it just is. I don’t know why, but it is. I’m able to see flashbacks of the past incidents that happened with me. They sadden me, so I’m unable to enjoy the present. Firstly, it was the best friend thing. I seeked out a colleague of mine to be my buddy, but he walked away. OK. I still recovered. Even a few days back, he came back to me to start talking again, as in start a basic kind of friendship, right from the beginning kind. I accepted as I was happy these days. But now, even the reason that was responsible for that happiness is gone. The reason was a girl. I liked her. Became possessive of her. Told her about my growing feelings for her. She got angry. I even proposed her in a proper manner. For the first time in my life, I did that. Still, she didn’t care even a bit for my feelings and rejected me in the face. I was broken. I didn’t know what to do next. One of my old friends, helped me cope with this situation. It’s been just two days and I haven’t really recovered from the situation. I’m still sad. Not even enjoying this little outing trip with my so called friends.

I don’t know why I’m so different. I’m unable to adjust to the silly things that people do all the time. Even right now, I’m thinking what to do of this situation. The best friend, that girl, both of them now belong to one of my friends. He’s happy, he has every resason to be. I’m not. Happiness is a state of mind. It can be bought with money or not is difficult to tell right now. But what to do? I have so many questions, but very few answers. Questions like after all this what should I do, how should I react with others, especially with that single friend who has almost taken everything from me. I don’t have anyone mature enough or anyone with decent brains to answer me all these questions. I’m really just in a “snake eating it’s own tail” kind of trap. It’s difficult to come out of it. I don’t really see any alternatives right now. I have faith in God. I’ve always had but seems that even God has stopped looking at me these days. I’m, I’m….I don’t even have words for expressing my deepest feelings. God help me. I’m still standing up bold & trying to act strong, but at times often, it is difficult to even pretend that. No one is there for me and I’m like all alone by myself, on my own. I think some times that I should only focus on my studies and my goal in life, which is a little blurry but I have this feeling that I’m headed in the right direction. Because right now, even if I have to live these college years of my life like no one else would, I can and will make my life worth living like no one else could. That’s right. It’ll surely be hard. It won’t be easy. There will come even more difficult times and I’ll be all alone but c’mon man, these are the things that give us shaking experiences and make us an even stronger person. I’m thinking to kind of bail out of all the social, brain eating, less fruitful activities and focus on learning new things, as it is this age of mine which is full of energy & courage, when I can almost do anything and with sheer hardwork and determination, even reach a level which is exceptionally beyond the reach of these people who have surrounded me these days and disturb me both emotionally and mentally, keeping me away from giving my best. I guess people here in the world are like this only these days. I’ll have to keep my nature progressive and joyous, which usually is when I’m at home. But when I come here at my college, I don’t know how or why, it is all lost and vanished, leaving behind a depressed individual. This is wrong as I’ve really got to do something to make my life worth something. To make it matter. To make it large, as they say.