Mixed Feelings

Cold air striking my face through the window of a moving compartment of the train making my face shrink, not by the cold that I feel but by things wandering in my heart. These things are the mixed feelings. All these feelings nullify each other ensuing me with a blank face. I am feeling stressed, frustrated, agitated lonely, bored and bounded with some excitement, happiness and freedom. All these feelings are sinking me down with some upliftment in compensation. I am the one who does things that I like enjoy, love to do in the illumination of full freedom. This time I had no other option than visiting places which fills me with boredom. I am flustered and frustrated of long journeys ,strange places with weird smells and people who are stone deaf to me and vice-versa. They can’t understand me ,neither I can. I was continuously switching from one place to another for the past fifteen days with my parents and a few relatives who kept me in prolonged boundation. I can’t do things that I take pleasure in filling me with delight. Being a hostler I always enjoyed home cooked food,hanging out with my childhood friends who always awaited for me at my home town ,Gwalior. Before this family tour, I did not know that I don’t like places where millions of people find themselves in peace. I find myself in a claustrophobic room with almost no ventilation or fan among a hell lot of people drenching in sweat and smelling. I sweat,get agitated but with the peace or calmness which are no where near me. These places are called the homes of God or temples. Constantly visiting such places leaves me with only frustration.I believe that God never wants you to come and visit him, rather he wants you to do your work with loyalty and morality,help those in need and those you can . He wants you to make others and yourself happy by doing good deeds. He is happy when you are happy. Here no one cares what I believe in. My parents being part of those millions pursue for places to get peace and visit these places like they would be punished by God if they didn’t. Being in miserable part, I am dragged. Loneliness adds to all this misery. I am no longer in contact with my friends who I can share my feelings with. They are busy enjoying their vacations happily and I don’t want to disturb them.

I visited many religious places in these 15days. Though I never found these places worth visiting, the scene of the beach, the weather, the sunset and the sunrise at Kanyakumari mesmerized me. I will never forget the rides with tides ,moving to and fro with tides and the breeze. It is the same feeling that a child gets while sleeping in his mother’s lap. Apart from this everything was depressing.

What makes me feel better is that I have things which can compensate all intolerable feelings. I am energized, happy with thoughts of liberty and friends.

I am sitting in the Chennai Express. This may sound sound astonishing, when we think about the infamous movie scenes of my favorite actor. More to this,I am raised to a higher energy level as I will be back to my life after these holidays. I will again be in the hostel surrounded by my friends with all freedom.I can do things and stuff that I like. I will be free to visit the places i want. I can live my life the way I desire.

Train at its high speed almost frantic to reach its destination, I was constantly gazing at banana trees and two storey buildings passing through the two panels of my window. The midnight leaves me dull, heavy and sleepy. I heard a voice when I was half asleep. I suddenly woke up and saw a man behind me who was dark and healthy. He mumbled something in some language which I guessed to be Tamil. Soon with my strange expression he could understand that his language is foreign to me. He tried to make me understand through his actions and some English words…please.. exchange ..children with us ..He probably wanted to exchange his middle berth for my opposite lower berth as he had a child with him. Another emotion of sacrifice haunted me. Though it was just an open place with pleasant cold air that was exchanged for the one with no air but sacrifice is sacrifice.

My eyes were closed and my sweat glands were quite active. I was not comfortable, but seeing the child sleeping peacefully made me feel better. Anyways I wouldn’t have slept as these haunting feelings were keeping me awake, far away from sleep. It was 5:30AM when that child’s cry woke me up. I hardly slept for an hour or two. But I was feeling better and fresh.

We roamed around Chennai the whole day. Spending day in Chennai was different from the other places I visited. This time we went to the National Art Gallery, the Marina Beach, a Zoological Park and the Golden Beach. Golden beach was so much fun as it reminded me of Gwalior Mela which I have not visited in the last 3 years. I badly miss it.That is something I used to visit since my childhood and I never get bored of it. I get frantic and crazy when I visit such places full of thrilling rides. A child in me will always be alive even when I will be at the edge of the end and I enjoy it. I would never let it go. Finally the day ended with Dosa and Sambhar which I have been eating almost every day for the last 15 days. I did not eat home cooked food for the last four months and I wouldn’t be able to for another four months. Mother made food is the only thing that leaves me homesick and I missed it these holidays.

I was cheerful and my happiness scale was reading more since I will be back to the hotel just after one night and a full day. We will be in train for the next 36 hours, which is not bothering me much, as I have got accustomed to long journeys, and sitting and watching people.

My journey was nearing to its end. It was 7:30 PM and an hour later I will be at Bhopal Junction Railway Station. A storm started triggering in me suddenly which started changing everything inside me. My eyes were wet and my face turned blanched and my lips dry. I was looking at my parents and they were looking at me with almost the same face like me .They looked sad and dejected and so was I. Everything was different. As I was getting closer to the destination, the paleness of my face was getting prominent. I did not want to go away from my parents. I wish they could come with me. More than my freedom I wanted their care. Now there would be no one to ask if I have eaten food or no one will force me to take a bath. No one will scold me for straining my eyes on the phone and gadgets for hours, no one to care for me. I felt like hugging them, but that would be strange for them as I never do such things. Fear of exams was in my mind. That is the time when most of us miss our home the most.

I knew that everything will be fine after a few days. Everything will come back to normal. I will get busy in my life pursuing my goals. Train arrived at Bhopal Junction Railway Station and I reached my destination. I reached hostel at 9:30 PM. I was relaxed but still sweating, which has no association with any emotion, it was just the autonomic regulation of my body as I walked in with a heavy bag. I wanted to bath as I was full of sweat-sticky and smelly. I opened my room and took a deep breath. Though it was full of dust, it was far cleaner than the places I had been visited these days. My room is the place where I get the actual peace. No other place can give me that. I was calm and peaceful. My body feels fresh after taking bath. I had food and entered into the world of dreams.