Holy Cow!

by Kamal K Anand

A satirical take on the beef ban and the recent cow-related issues the country had been facing. 

Good Evening! Welcome to the 9 PM show. Today’s top headlines are:

Cow declared The National Animal.

In an important decision today, the newly elected Cabinet declared in its first meeting that the Cow will now be the National Animal of India. The I&B Minister Mr. Doordhwani Singh said that,” We have fulfilled our first promise made in the manifesto on the first working day.” The Gaushala Sangh-backed Bhartiya Gau Party (BGP) came into power last week with an overwhelming majority while their opponent Rashtriya Vikaas Dal failed to gather even 50 seats in the Lok Sabha elections. Political gurus have labelled the last elections as an end of development-based politics in India. The Tigers were unavailable for comments. It is speculated that the Cabinet may soon approve the long pending demand of using the Cow Capitol as the National Emblem.

The Gaay Swabhimaan Morcha’s President Mr. Gwaala Prasad welcomed the move saying that it is an historic event but their agitation will only stop when the Holy Cow is declared the Mother of India. Several Gaushala owners joined the movement by declaring hartal yesterday. All major cities are facing shortage of cow milk, cow dung and Gaumootr. In Delhi alone 30,208 newborns could not receive their first cow milk owing to the shortage. Several surgeries were postponed in hospitals across the capital as the Gaumootr supply dipped. The National Cow Power Board warned of power cuts as dung supply dwindled. Government is planning to import cow dung from Nepal if the deadlock persists by tomorrow.

Meanwhile in Sitapur district of Uttar Pradesh, 15 labourers and 3 children were killed in an accident today when a truck carrying the labourers lost balance and went into the river as a holy cow came running on the road. By God’s grace, the cow is reported to be safe. The owner of the cow couldn’t be traced. The state government has declared to give the families of the deceased a Jersey Cow each.

The Prime Minister Mr. Sodhi will be on his first visit to the US next week. He is expected to sign multi-million dollar deals with tech giants like Google and Microsoft for his government’s mega-project to provide ‘Dudhaar Card: a radio-collar to every holy cow of India’. The project will implement indigenously built ‘Gau Mata and Bachhda Tracking System’. The award winning system was developed at Indian Institute of Gaulogy at Gomukh, Uttarakhand. During his visit, PM Sodhi is also expected to ink the deal with Pharma giant Pfizer on setting up a Gaumootr processing plant in the country. Last week, Boeing gifted the PM a jet that runs on Gaumootr stating that this luxury plane will help the Indian PM make cheaper flights all over the world during his tenure.

The Magasaysay Awardee Cow activist Gaumitr Patel has asked the elected MPs, MLAs and Gaushala leaders to declare how many orphan cows have they adopted from the roads during the past year. Mr. Patel was the favourite of electronic and social media after his eye-opening study on orphan cows and lack of political will leading to the then ruling party’s debacle in recent elections. He has put down the offer for the Ministry of the Holy Cow.

CBI raided Baba Jhaaamdev’s Haazma choorn factory in Haridwar today. The team took 32 different samples over allegations that choorn contains traces of cow tissues. Baba had rubbished such allegations in the past saying that choorn contains holy Gaumootr and no cow tissues. Baba was not available for comments as he was travelling to London for his movie BJD-2’s promotions.

In a shameful incident in Hooghly district of West Bengal, a truck driver was lynched over rumors that he smuggled cow dung into Nepal. The Gau Sena has taken the responsibility of the incident stating that the cow dung is national treasure.
A shopkeeper was shot dead in Patiala for selling cow dung adulterated with buffalo dung. He is also reported to be admin of an Anti-Cow page on Whatsapp. His effigies were burnt all throughout the state.

Moving on to next news, Sawarn Chhatra Parishad demanded reservations for Upper Castes in college seats and government jobs today in Delhi as they began their two day protest at Jantar Mantar. Their leader Dhananjay Thakur said that,” The caste-based reservations have made the Dalits too powerful. They are no longer the underprivileged which our forefathers have turned them to after thousands of years of oppression. Now, there are news all over the country of Dalits atrocities over Sawarns. Who can forget the Hisar kand where 2 Sawarn families were allegedly burnt alive by a mob of Dalit youngsters for using free community WiFi? Or who can forget the Mangalore incident where a Sawarn woman was shaved and made to roam nude in the village by the Dalit dominated Panchayat on entering the temple. You can hear the stories of Sawarn students tortured in classrooms by Dalit teachers from every village of the country. The economic profile of Swarns have reached the same status as it was of the Dalits just before the beginning of the 21st century.”

The Swarn/Upper Caste Upliftment Commission Head Dr. GL Gogia posted on Facebook that,” The demands of Mr. Thakur are justified. The Cabinet is planning to award cash incentives to those Dalit families who marry their sons or daughters to a Sawarn family.”

Breaking News! There is news coming from Pehelgaam district of J&K where 3 militants are said to be firing beef packets over the LOC. The Army is giving a fitting reply by firing the newly imported pork packets.

Now some international news. India-born American Gwalaswamy Cowdunga was awarded Nobel Prize of Medicine yesterday. He broke the century old myth that all humans developed from apes. The world was taken by surprise when this Harvard scholar proved that the Indians share their ancestry with cows and not the apes. The Indian species will named Moomoo sapiens.

Moving on to news from sports. India won the Football World Cup held in Bangladesh. Sports Ministry has decided to award each member with unlimited lifetime chara for their Gaushala’s.

The cinema classic ‘Doodhwale Gaay Le Jayenge’ successfully completed its 25 years yesterday. This Academy Award winning movie was based on communal tension between two communities over beef and pork.

That’s all for now. Keep watching HolyCow News.

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